Ya, so about the fact that I haven't blogged in literally 7 months...oops. Showing up here again makes me want to toot my own horn in regards to the absolutely perfect title I managed to give this blog when I started. Roller.Coaster.Ride. Ultimately, however, if I were to sum my current state of mind and OCD (they're actually one in the same--which is very unfortunate) into one sentence I would say "I have been a lot better and I have been a HELL of a lot worse". So I guess that points towards progress, right? Unfortunately though, with this mind of mine even the slightest bit of a downward decent feels like a death sentence. I start to feel really "stuck" and overwhelmed really quickly. Yes, I can now walk down street without every person I walk by being absolutely terrifying due to HOCD, I can carry out normal conversations with females, I can watch movies and TV shows with gay people in them, I can talk on the phone to my boyfriend without feeling miserable from the over analyzing, I can spend large amounts of time with my boyfriend with seemingly no compulsive or checking oriented thoughts or behaviors, and I can have conversations with him and others about our plans for the future without feeling like I'm going to throw up. That's just a short list of the improvements I have made, so I get it...the place I am in now compared to the place I was almost a year ago is almost unfathomable. BUT, it is still so frustrating when I feel myself going backwards again. My brain could care less about the severity of my anxiety and the behaviors associated with it. The thoughts, concerns, and fears seem just as threatening, and the results of these thoughts seem and feel just as catastrophic. I still end up in a horrible state of mind and feeling incredibly depressed, which ultimately leads to a decline in my OCD defense mode, and the uncertainty becomes just as unbearable as before....even if I can walk down the street like a seemingly normal human being.
The worst thing about the spike in my anxiety this time around is that my brain REALLY played tricks on me ( I know it doesn't even seem possible that this could happen any more severely than it has in the past...but it did). In the words of my therapist, I have "developed OCD over my OCD". For the past several weeks/ almost months/ I've actually been doing it FOREVER...I have been doing my typical obsessive researching and info seeking about my health. Physical and mental health. Constantly searching for things that could be wrong with me, that of course seem incredibly reasonable, that would explain the way I am feeling all the time and give me reason to believe there are solutions for my OCD and ADHD. Trying to figure out why I feel the way I do, why I am so much different than I used to be, why I feel so tired all the time, why it is so hard for me to feel happy for more than a few months, why I don't enjoy the activities that I used to, why my personality has changed etc etc. These are, of course, all valid everyday concerns that anyone could have...I get that. But with the way my brain works things out these concerns are just making feel worse, because I am looking for certainty I am never going to get and checking, researching, obsessing, and and compulsions are all involved. I will think I have found a solution for a short period of time and then it of course flips around to something else. "It's just your OCD, it's your ADHD, maybe your thyroid is messed up, maybe you have this or this or this or this or this". I have been constantly over analyzing every little thing going on with my body and mind...with the fear that if I don't figure it out I am going to be miserable and feel this way for the rest of my life. Little irrational don't you think? Surprise Surprise. This has of course led to heightening anxiety in regards to all of my themes. What I have come to realize during this latest fad is that the overall theme of my OCD is making me terrified of living a life in which I am unhappy. Whether it's because of a fear that I am with the wrong guy, the fear that I should actually be with a woman, the fear that I have a problem I don't know about that is going to cause me to feel depressed and unfulfilled the rest of my life, or whatever the hell else my brain comes up with...I am terrified of being unhappy. Where does all the fear get me? Feeling unhappy. Pretty ironic.
That's the end of the rant. Fortunately, I have a therapist that a lot of people on here talk about wishing they had. She rocks...and if I can pull myself up from my boot straps and get it back together again, she provides me with every bit of information and guidance I need to grind through this new theme. Here's to hoping.
Also, thankyou to everyone out there who has continued blogging and sharing their experiences. It was so nice to pop my head in and read everything you have been writing, again making me feel like I am by no means alone and it is normal to take a few steps backwards at times. Let's just hope it's not more than a few.