Friday, January 20, 2012

You'd Think I'd Learn My Lesson..

You would think that after hundreds of spikes I would eventually learn my lesson. Definitely not the case, unfortunately. But. In my defense, I really don't think the OCD will ever allow me to learn my lesson. Basically, I have been on cloud 9 since vacation. Everything has been going incredibly well and I have had no unmanageable spikes with either R or H. But, this is lesson I clearly haven't learned.--It will come back--. No matter how clear you are seeing things on the good days and no matter how much you know your OCD notions are ridiculous on these days--the OCD will show its face again at some point in time, and no matter what kind of clarity you were feeling in the past, everything will become blurry and clouded again. The last couple days have been a clear example of this. It started with exposure therapy about two days ago. I had met with my therapist and we decided I had made so much progress that we could start meeting everything week--woo hoo. Just the next morning, however, I started feeling a little "off". Things were bothering me more than they had in a while and I just didn't feel like myself. I decided to use it as an opportunity for exposure, since it had been so easy recently. I basically thought it would just be a challenge, especially since my therapist and I had just talked about how I was at the very top of my hierarchy and exposure was going to have to be more hands on. The next step in my hierarchy was getting online and reading coming out stories. Horrible Horrible Horrible. I think I finally learned what exposure therapy was really about. Anxiety=10/10 and my head started reeling immediately. It totally knocked me off my feet and I haven't quite gotten back up yet. I went into a panic for the most part and called my therapist to schedule a meeting for next week instead of the week following. I also went into major reassurance mode. I immediately got on StuckInADoorway...reading post after post after post. I also went into reassurance mode with my boyfriend. I skyped with him the night I tried doing the exposure and told him what I did and how crappy I was feeling. He was incredibly tired that night and not super talkative. He was also incredibly busy the next day with interviews and school. I of course went into catastrophe mode and started assuming that me telling him about my exposure the night before had completely freaked him out and he probably thought I was just a lesbian, and didn't want to be with me anymore and wasn't talking to me much because of it. Typical. After texting him more than one time in reassurance mode I had to get through the day while he was doing interviews and family stuff. Of course, that night he texted me just like normal and everything was fine. Had the stupid reassurance I needed.

The thing I am most confused about is why I had this random spike. I had JUST talked to my therapist about how I made it through an entire period basically without even knowing I was having it. I had zero physical side effects like headaches and ZERO OCD flare ups. Usually my period is hell and I know it is coming days ahead of time. I was so amazed...then three days AFTER my period finished I started feeling exactly like I do during that time of the month. I am assuming, and hoping, the explanation is the ADHD meds I started last week. My doctor put me on a non-stimulant med called Intuniv. Definitely not the right drug for me. I was sleeping 16 hours a day, started getting horrible headaches and 4 days in I started going through this with my OCD. I have already stopped taking them and am going back to the doctor next week to discuss other options. So, like I said, I am HOPING that is the simple explanation...especially since it is a slow release capsule and the OCD flare up most likely wouldn't have started until a few days in...which is what happened. I am heading back to the therapist on Monday, and am planning on doing my exposure in the office instead of on my own. I am going to print off several stories from the website I was on and go through them with my therapist. I know anxiety and fear is what OCD is all about, but you don't realize how awful it really is until you're back in the middle of it again. Ugh. Hoping to wake up in the morning without my OCD glasses on. We shall see. Goodnight everyone.


  1. I'm sorry this OCD episode has hit so hard. Sometimes I never figure out what makes the OCD worse at times.

    For a long time, I thought the medication I was on was all I needed for the OCD. I thought since I wasn't having the almost debilitating symptoms that I once did, that I was pretty much over it.

    I, too, had to realize that it's there all the time. But making ourselves stronger with the tools to deal with the OCD makes it easier.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  2. Ugh - I can sooooo relate!!! I am in the exact same boat as you. I too fall into the "figuring out why I am spiking NOW" the end I have realized that I have to live with that uncertainty too. Sometimes my OCD is worse before my period, sometimes it's worse after....go figure. I hate that I can't reassure myself with a distinct pattern. Isn't it amazing how on some days it all seems to ridiculous, but on others it's all so easy to believe?! All I can say is "this too shall pass". Congrats on the great work with ERP!!!

  3. I certainly know exactly what you are talking about. How many time OCD throws my mind into fog of fear and doubt, no matter what I know to be true deep down. I also know that my symptoms aren't gone forever. I'd love that to bbe the case, but I expect it will creep back in here and there. I think you've done an amazing job in therapy. In a few short months you have managed to get through a lot and come out better on the other side.

  4. Tina: Totally hear you on that one. I was convinced for a little while that maybe the prozac alone would be the answer. Definitely not the case. The therapy and ERP is just as important.

    Canuck: I think I need to tattoo "this too shall pass" on my forehead ;)

    Purely OCD: Thanks for the support. I know I have made a lot of progress it is just frustrating that the progress isn't more consistent :/

  5. I ran into your blog after searching for answers to my extreme anxiety. I know that I struggle with extreme anxiety but I feel that it borders on the OCD sometimes. At times my obsessions feel really real and they scare me intensely but when I read your posts, I relate soo much to the thoughts, the fears, the mental compulsions. Although I haven't been formally diagnosed, something inside of me tells me that this is what I'm struggling with but then I start to seek reassurance and then I start to question if I'm just in denial of things relating to HOCD/ROCD and then I start to break down because I love my boyfriend so much but then I start to fear/doubt everything.

    Nonetheless, running into your blog has truly made me feel "not alone". It's the first time that I've read something that gives me hope. That I can get through this and that I'm not 'crazy'.