It's funny how there are weeks that go by with no spikes, and very little amounts of OCD when you find yourself feeling completely normal. Then, bam, it hits and the doubting rolls back in. Tonight I started searching the internet for reassurance that what I have is actually OCD and was comparing myself to those with physical compulsions (I have Pure O) thinking that "maybe I don't even have OCD, is what I have even related, it is so much different". After browsing through posts on stuck in a doorway I am feeling much better. It's just frustrating. The most frustrating thing about it is that this 5 days of the month I have very little to no control over my OCD. Yes, for all you ladies reading I am talking about hormones. I could write a weeks worth of posts on what my hormones do to my OCD, and probably will eventually, but let's just say it is like clockwork. I was at therapy on Thursday, where I had my first session of ERP. I was on top of the world and telling my therapist how great I had been doing, how few spikes I had been having, and how much progress I had been making with exposing myself to fears. I put my hierarchy together on note cards and she walked me through almost all of them with imaginal scripts. I barely had any anxiety. It was great. Almost like the OCD has never been there. Then, I went home that night and was watching Law and Order and an episode about a transgender came on. There it went. I immediately started ruminating and questioning whether or not that was a possibility for me. Maybe since I was such a tomboy when I was little it really just meant I wanted to be a man, which would explain why I think I am a lesbian, because I really should be a man anyways. I was so bummed. I had been having so many good days and then all of the sudden a TV show spiked me (granted, not nearly as bad as it would have 6 weeks ago...so I know there is still a ton of improvement). I then went to bed that night and for some reason was thinking about my therapist and decided to look her up online. I came across a site that listed all of her specialties and they included things like gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual individuals. Well, as you can imagine...spike central. I started thinking what if she is a lesbian and I have been saying all of these things to her and offending her. I ran through all the conversations we had in my head trying to figure out if she had said anything that hinted to the fact that she might be gay. So dumb.
Needless to say, I was tad bit frustrated. But, I immediately put the puzzle pieces together when I noticed a few other tall tale signs. It was about to be my favorite five days of the month (insert sarcasm here). It is honestly like clockwork. My hormones fluctuate and the OCD creeps back in. I have been trying to push myself through it, since it is a good time to work on ERP because my OCD is at a higher level than it has been for the past few weeks. Tonight I watched an episode on Oprah called "Pray the Gay Away". I kept telling myself that I accept the possibility that any of the things I saw on the show could happen to me, and if they did, I would handle them when necessary. The hard part for me though, is that my anxiety is so much lower now that I am on meds. I find that I have very little anxiety and more simply just lots and lots of rumination. The times when my OCD latches onto some "new thought" is really the only time I experience the anxiety I used to. This of course just adds to the OCD because I try to figure out why I don't have the anxiety. Anyways, enough rambling. I am going to start posting lots of things about my ERP, what kind of exposures I am doing, and what is and isn't helping. I am very excited to start moving in this direction and also very excited for these five days to be over so I can really get on top of things again. Goodnight All. I hope this post finds you well :)
P.S. I love how my OCD tells me throughout the entirety of this post that I am just over exaggerating, making things up, and trying to elude everyone. So pleasant. Do any of you find that when you blog about things you have that voice in the back of your head making you doubt even what you're writing?