Rainy Sunday

Well, it's been awhile since my last post. All kinds of ideas keep popping in my head as far as things to write about, but I just haven't had the motivation to sit down and do it. However, it's a gross rainy Sunday here in the midwest, so, there's no better time to spill my beans!

I am going to start with a little update on how my OCD has been the past week or so. For starters, I am now taking the appropriate dose of Prozac for my OCD (40 mg) so I am hoping to see even more benefits in the next few weeks. The only thing I am really struggling with is fatigue. ugh. I will literally sleep for 8 or 9 hours, wake up for a bit, and feel like I need to take a nap or two throughout the day--and still can't stay up past 10! yikes. But, I told the Dr. it is a side effect I can deal with and we can explore it more later. As for my actual OCD-- I have officially gone 4 or 5 days in a row without a single anxiety inducing HOCD thought. Crazy huh!? I will finish watching a movie, or be home after being out for the day at some sort of event or after being around people and realize, "Oh my Gosh, I haven't had a single thought all day". These are events that used to cause me great torment and I have been a prisoner of 8-10 hours of rumination a day in regards to my OCD for the last 2 years, and just a little less the 4 years before that. So, needless to say... BIG DEAL. I was even able to discuss a lesbian couple with my roommate like a normal human being a few days ago. My therapist is incredibly happy with my progress and I have started journaling so we can get to work on my ERP hierarchy. Woot woot.

Now of course, this doesn't mean all of the OCD has slowed down. My ROCD has been quite a pain the past few weeks. I go through periods  of time convinced I will never have strong enough feelings in my current relationship and wondering if I will ever feel fulfilled enough in the relationship (looking for the feeling of love). Some days if I am not super intent on talking to the BF, I start wondering if it's because my feelings are strong enough--because shouldn't I want to talk to him ALL THE TIME? Dumb. But, my therapist and I are starting to delve into the ROCD more and I think it will help a lot. I am writing down my triggers and the thoughts associated with them in order to keep track of things. I am also trying to work on the "it is what it is" line. Easier said than done :/

My boyfriend and I are going on vacation (long distance relationship) for 10 days in December. Needless to say, I'm a bit nervous. We have not seen each other since my "ultimate breakdown" in which I was convinced I had to come out of the closet and break up with him (a week before I sought help). I have told him I am pretty nervous and hoping things go well. I am really going to talk to my therapist the next two weeks about ways I can battle the OCD while I'm with him. If any of you have any useful tips it would be greatly appreciated. I am going to try to use it as a form of exposure I guess. So it could definitely be helpful if I can keep my head on straight *fingers crossed*. All in all I am excited, but definitely skeptical. I'll keep you guys updated :) Any again---suggestions would be great!

P.S. I plan on telling him for the first time about my HOCD--he only knows about the ROCD. You can assume its added a little anxiety to the thoughts of our vacation. :0