Aha!

I don't know how many of you watch the Oprah Network (OWN), but I am obsessed. I love every single show and absolutely love Oprah. With that being said I thought I would share a little bit about the "Aha" moment I had yesterday (Oprah is always looking for "aha" moments and talks about them constantly on her show). Like I said in my previous blog post, I have been struggling quite a bit with my (R)OCD the past couple weeks. As you all know when one theme fades another ones rears it's ugly head to take it's place. So, naturally as my HOCD has been fading away bit by bit (Thankyou Prozac) my ROCD has taken over. My therapist and I have been diving into my HOCD a lot more than ROCD, which is why I believe I am having a much better time with it. We have talked through almost everything thought I've ever had, rationalized, and have been constantly reminding myself that it's the OCD talking. However, we haven't done much discussing in the ROCD area, so it's really been tough for me the past couple weeks. The aspect I have the most trouble with (as I have stated in other posts) is my previous relationship. I COULD/CANNOT let it go. I have always wondered what in the world is wrong with me. People move on from relationships, especially when they know they have done everything they can to make it work and it just doesn't. It is not meant to be. End of story. Nope, not for me. Two years post final break up (and we haven't even officially been together in 3 years) and a year and half into a relationship with the most wonderful guy on the planet, the relationship still plays a huge role in my ROCD theme and GREATLY affects me. "What if you just give it one more try, you will never be over him, he is the only one for you, you loved him so much and won't ever have that again because you are only supposed to have one soul mate, you will go on for the rest of your life wondering if you regret not being with him, you will never be able to fully invest in another relationship because that relationship will always pop into the back of your mind" Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla. Along with the thoughts of if I really love my current boyfriend, and if my feelings are strong enough, the ex boyfriend theme always plays the homewrecker role. In the back of my mind I have known that it is very OCD related, but COULD NOT convince myself enough. It just didn't feel right ,like always, and I am always convincing myself that the only answer is going back to my ex. My mind does that wonderful little trick of only reminding me of all the wonderful things we went through. It conveniently excludes all the tears, disappointment, and hurt I experienced in the relationship, which are things my current boyfriend would never put me through. Anyways, like I said, it's been a struggle and it just seems so REAL (the worst part of Pure-O) because they are legitimate life concerns, just coupled with irrational behavior.
Now, about the Aha moment. Somehow I missed a very important portion of the "I think it moved" article by Dr. Phillipson. He says:
"Persons with this form of OCD who have ended relationships often incessantly ruminate about whether the choice was justified. After the relationship has ended, the mind becomes very selectively focused on only the positive memories and tends to disqualify the negative times. The natural discord associated with getting "the answer" in regard to whether to be in the relationship is tremendous. When OCD is involved, the magnitude of this discord is amplified to the point of torment. Persons who, in their reasonable mind, are aware that the relationship is truly over, can still spend hours pondering whether or not it might still be worthwhile making one more attempt to salvage it. When this element of obsession is present the natural healing effects of time tend to be eliminated."
"Amongst persons with relationship justification spikes, there tends to be much less clarity about the irrational nature of their particular concern. This is in large part due to western society's romantic notions about what being in a relationship entails. Our fairy tales and popular media present all-loving relationships as being endlessly earth moving, firework events".
" Persons often contemplate and occasionally dabble in the effort to establish whether they would feel different if they were with someone else. This explains why a number of patients have initiated therapy up to five years after they have ended the relationship and are still trying to bring a close to justifying that the final choice was the correct one."

HELLO! That is what's wrong. My OCD won't allow to move forward like normal people. I hadn't read much about other people having trouble with this aspect of the ROCD theme, but this article explains everything. While many OCD sufferers leave relationships  they possibly wouldn't leave if they didn't have the disorder, I have the opposite problem. My OCD won't let me leave the relationship I know I should have left and forgot about a long long time ago (still doubting). When I realize how much this has affected me over the past few years and how impossible it has made investing myself in another relationship I want to grab OCD by the hair and drag it behind my car. I hate it. But, I finally have the insight and finally feel like I understand what's been going on. I couldn't quite convince myself before that it was a problem with OCD (and will still have trouble convincing myself in the future---I know). But, I will take every bit of help I can get and am incredibly excited about the "aha" moment...and can't wait to share it with my therapist. So--Thankyou Dr. Phillipson, Thankyou.