The Magical Fix--That Never Comes

When planning this blog out in my mind I wanted to start with a sufficient overview of my history with OCD. Today, however, has been one of those days that I feel like my brain has been so overloaded with questions, thoughts and ideas that the thought of organizing 6 years of OCD history makes me dizzy. So, I'm going to write about something I believe to be one of my (and possibly many others) biggest issues with OCD. For the past several years I have found myself constantly searching for the "magical fix". Something that will just magically make things "ok". When I find this fix I believe I will be happy, and everything in my life will be the way it is supposed to be. I will go through bouts where I obsess over this fix, and spends days and days researching what I believe to be the answer at that given time. I had always assumed this constant searching was just a result of the "problems" I thought I had (that I was gay and in the wrong relationship) or the fact that I am incredibly self aware, perfectionistic, and hard on myself. However, once I started reading and learning about OCD I clearly made the connection between this magical fix and the very unmagical things going on inside my brain.

I can see that some days this fix will revolve around my relationship. I will think that if everything was the way it was supposed to be and I was in love and could stay that way, everything would be "ok". Therefore, clearly the relationship I am in is not the "fix" and isn't right for me. If it was, I wouldn't feel this way.  Other days it will revolve around another huge issue I have with my ROCD: my past relationship. I will be convinced that the only way I am ever going to be happy again is if I get back together with my ex. The one who I for so many years convinced myself was the only person in the world for me. And, in my mind built a force field around all the wonderful times we had together, while seemingly forgetting about all the horrible ones that made up a much much larger portion. These thoughts will make me miserable for days. Other days I will obsess over things simply related to myself. Last week the only thing I could think or research about was ADHD (this isn't completely irrational because I am being tested) and the fact that if I could just fix that about myself then all my problems with school would be fixed. Other days I will obsess over purpose in life. What really is the point? If I could become more faithful with more belief in God, I would have more purpose and everything would be ok. If I could just be in love the way I want to be I would be happy and my life  would have more purpose. The list goes on for days. It's like a constant battle with myself to find the fix. But, the scary thing is that it will never come. This fix is simply a figment of my OCD. It is my brain looking for some absolute definitive answer. But, if there was one wouldn't I have found it already? With all the wonderful things I have in my life wouldn't I have been able to find the happiness I am looking for, couldn't I just be content? I should be and would be if it wasn't for that little voice in the back of my head that rears its ugly OCD behaviors. I have learned that one fix will simply bring on another. The days that I feel like I am in love and happy in my relationship inevitably get thrown to the wayside by the thoughts brought on by my OCD and that fix is once again in question. The days I read about faith and religion get thrown off the tracks when I start  scaring myself with another OCD theme. The positive fact is that I have identified it. Working my way thought it, and finding a way to not always be in search of that definitive answer is the trickier part.