OCD's High Standards

During my appointment last week my therapist used a phrase that I hadn't really thought about in terms of my OCD, and a light bulb went off. We were talking about my issues with sexuality and she stated that I had set incredibly high standards for myself in terms of being straight, and these standards are ones that can never be met. It clicked. That is what OCD does.

In regards to my sexuality, I (and my OCD) have created this picture in my head of what straight is supposed to look like. This involves everything from how I sit to how I eat to what kind of dogs I like (ridiculous I know) and how hairy my arms are. This list could literally go on for days, but let's just say it's gotten to the point that it's actually pretty comical (on the days I know it's the OCD of course). Any little things I do, action I take or person I look at provides the opportunity for my OCD to latch on and scream, "Hey! that's not straight of you!" and off I go into the immediate questioning, checking, and rumination. Would non- OCDers who are gay or straight ever have any major issues with the things I listed above? Of course not. Because they aren't afraid of their orientation. They don't have the fear I have, and OCD hasn't ingrained all the ridiculously high standards in their brains. For them, it is what it is and they're comfortable. For me, it's the I want to rip my hair out feeling.

Now, in terms of my relationship OCD, the same can be said. I have built this picture in my head of what love is supposed to look like. This involves everything anyone has ever seen on TV or in romantic comedies and love stories. EVERYTHING. And, the second my relationship doesn't live up to these standards, or I hear a statement in ones of these movies or tv shows that challenges my feelings---hello OCD. The even funnier thing about the ROCD is that when you are in a relationship and the OCD causes you to look for the "perfect love" so hard--it's never going to come! The standards are so high, and no relationship will EVER live up to these standards (which I have to force myself to believe-because of course a part of me wants to think there has to be ONE relationship that is perfect, and nothing else is good enough). Now, the part I really struggle with in this regard, as I stated in a previous post, is my past relationship. It was my first serious relationship (5 years) and I was head over heels. Although I can see the faults in the relationship most days, and realize my current boyfriend and relationship are SO MUCH better for me, my OCD still finds opportunities to latch on. "You'll never know if he wasn't the one, and if you're missing out" "You never questioned your love with him" "You were always happy with him". The other unfortunate part of this circumstance (some wouldn't see it as unfortunate) is that my ROCD didn't start until my second relationship. So, the questioning and checking is much much worse because I am always wondering why it didn't ever start up with my ex--which brings on the OCD question of "Is that because he is the one for you" Bla. Anyways, my point is--OCD and its perfectionism have a way of creeping into your mind and creating all these false illusions and high standards. And I guess the first step in controlling the OCD is realizing how unrealistic and irrational these standards really are--and learning to deal with the doubt they cause. OCD is awesome.