Back on the blogging map.

Ya, so about the fact that I haven't blogged in literally 7 months...oops. Showing up here again makes me want to toot my own horn in regards to the absolutely perfect title I managed to give this blog when I started. Roller.Coaster.Ride. Ultimately, however, if I were to sum my current state of mind and OCD (they're actually one in the same--which is very unfortunate) into one sentence I would say  "I have been a lot better and I have been a HELL of a lot worse". So I guess that points towards progress, right? Unfortunately though, with this mind of mine even the slightest bit of a downward decent feels like a death sentence. I start to feel really "stuck" and overwhelmed really quickly. Yes, I can now walk down street without every person I walk by being absolutely terrifying due to HOCD, I can carry out normal conversations with females, I can watch movies and TV shows with gay people in them, I can talk on the phone to my boyfriend without feeling miserable from the over analyzing, I can spend large amounts of time with my boyfriend with seemingly no compulsive or checking oriented thoughts or behaviors, and I can have conversations with him and others about our plans for the future without feeling like I'm going to throw up. That's just a short list of the improvements I have made, so I get it...the place I am in now compared to the place I was almost a year ago is almost unfathomable. BUT, it is still so frustrating when I feel myself going backwards again. My brain could care less about the severity of my anxiety and the behaviors associated with it. The thoughts, concerns, and fears seem just as threatening, and the results of these thoughts seem and feel just as catastrophic. I still end up in a horrible state of mind and feeling incredibly depressed, which ultimately leads to a decline in my OCD defense mode, and the uncertainty becomes just as unbearable as before....even if I can walk down the street like a seemingly normal human being.

The worst thing about the spike in my anxiety this time around is that my brain REALLY played tricks on me ( I know it doesn't even seem possible that this could happen any more severely than it has in the past...but it did). In the words of my therapist, I have "developed OCD over my OCD". For the past several weeks/ almost months/ I've actually been doing it FOREVER...I have been doing my typical obsessive researching and info seeking about my health. Physical and mental health. Constantly searching for things that could be wrong with me, that of course seem incredibly reasonable, that would explain the way I am feeling all the time and give me reason to believe there are solutions for my OCD and ADHD. Trying to figure out why I feel the way I do, why I am so much different than I used to be, why I feel so tired all the time, why it is so hard for me to feel happy for more than a few months, why I don't enjoy the activities that I used to, why my personality has changed etc etc. These are, of course, all valid everyday concerns that anyone could have...I get that. But with the way my brain works things out these concerns are just making feel worse, because I am looking for certainty I am never going to get and checking, researching, obsessing, and and compulsions are all involved. I will think I have found a solution for a short period of time and then it of course flips around to something else. "It's just your OCD, it's your ADHD, maybe your thyroid is messed up, maybe you have this or this or this or this or this". I have been constantly over analyzing every little thing going on with my body and mind...with the fear that if I don't figure it out I am going to be miserable and feel this way for the rest of my life. Little irrational don't you think? Surprise Surprise. This has of course led to heightening anxiety in regards to all of my themes. What I have come to realize during this latest fad is that the overall theme of my OCD is making me terrified of living a life in which I am unhappy. Whether it's because of a fear that I am with the wrong guy, the fear that I should actually be with a woman, the fear that I have a problem I don't know about that is going to cause me to feel depressed and unfulfilled the rest of my life, or whatever the hell else my brain comes up with...I am terrified of being unhappy. Where does all the fear get me? Feeling unhappy. Pretty ironic.

That's the end of the rant. Fortunately, I have a therapist that a lot of people on here talk about wishing they had. She rocks...and if I can pull myself up from my boot straps and get it back together again, she provides me with every bit of information and guidance I need to grind through this new theme. Here's to hoping.

Also, thankyou to everyone out there who has continued blogging and sharing their experiences. It was so nice to pop my head in and read everything you have been writing, again making me feel like I am by no means alone and it is normal to take a few steps backwards at times. Let's just hope it's not more than a few.

You'd Think I'd Learn My Lesson..

You would think that after hundreds of spikes I would eventually learn my lesson. Definitely not the case, unfortunately. But. In my defense, I really don't think the OCD will ever allow me to learn my lesson. Basically, I have been on cloud 9 since vacation. Everything has been going incredibly well and I have had no unmanageable spikes with either R or H. But, this is lesson I clearly haven't learned.--It will come back--. No matter how clear you are seeing things on the good days and no matter how much you know your OCD notions are ridiculous on these days--the OCD will show its face again at some point in time, and no matter what kind of clarity you were feeling in the past, everything will become blurry and clouded again. The last couple days have been a clear example of this. It started with exposure therapy about two days ago. I had met with my therapist and we decided I had made so much progress that we could start meeting everything week--woo hoo. Just the next morning, however, I started feeling a little "off". Things were bothering me more than they had in a while and I just didn't feel like myself. I decided to use it as an opportunity for exposure, since it had been so easy recently. I basically thought it would just be a challenge, especially since my therapist and I had just talked about how I was at the very top of my hierarchy and exposure was going to have to be more hands on. The next step in my hierarchy was getting online and reading coming out stories. Horrible Horrible Horrible. I think I finally learned what exposure therapy was really about. Anxiety=10/10 and my head started reeling immediately. It totally knocked me off my feet and I haven't quite gotten back up yet. I went into a panic for the most part and called my therapist to schedule a meeting for next week instead of the week following. I also went into major reassurance mode. I immediately got on StuckInADoorway...reading post after post after post. I also went into reassurance mode with my boyfriend. I skyped with him the night I tried doing the exposure and told him what I did and how crappy I was feeling. He was incredibly tired that night and not super talkative. He was also incredibly busy the next day with interviews and school. I of course went into catastrophe mode and started assuming that me telling him about my exposure the night before had completely freaked him out and he probably thought I was just a lesbian, and didn't want to be with me anymore and wasn't talking to me much because of it. Typical. After texting him more than one time in reassurance mode I had to get through the day while he was doing interviews and family stuff. Of course, that night he texted me just like normal and everything was fine. Had the stupid reassurance I needed.

The thing I am most confused about is why I had this random spike. I had JUST talked to my therapist about how I made it through an entire period basically without even knowing I was having it. I had zero physical side effects like headaches and ZERO OCD flare ups. Usually my period is hell and I know it is coming days ahead of time. I was so amazed...then three days AFTER my period finished I started feeling exactly like I do during that time of the month. I am assuming, and hoping, the explanation is the ADHD meds I started last week. My doctor put me on a non-stimulant med called Intuniv. Definitely not the right drug for me. I was sleeping 16 hours a day, started getting horrible headaches and 4 days in I started going through this with my OCD. I have already stopped taking them and am going back to the doctor next week to discuss other options. So, like I said, I am HOPING that is the simple explanation...especially since it is a slow release capsule and the OCD flare up most likely wouldn't have started until a few days in...which is what happened. I am heading back to the therapist on Monday, and am planning on doing my exposure in the office instead of on my own. I am going to print off several stories from the website I was on and go through them with my therapist. I know anxiety and fear is what OCD is all about, but you don't realize how awful it really is until you're back in the middle of it again. Ugh. Hoping to wake up in the morning without my OCD glasses on. We shall see. Goodnight everyone.

Rainy Sunday

Well, it's been awhile since my last post. All kinds of ideas keep popping in my head as far as things to write about, but I just haven't had the motivation to sit down and do it. However, it's a gross rainy Sunday here in the midwest, so, there's no better time to spill my beans!

I am going to start with a little update on how my OCD has been the past week or so. For starters, I am now taking the appropriate dose of Prozac for my OCD (40 mg) so I am hoping to see even more benefits in the next few weeks. The only thing I am really struggling with is fatigue. ugh. I will literally sleep for 8 or 9 hours, wake up for a bit, and feel like I need to take a nap or two throughout the day--and still can't stay up past 10! yikes. But, I told the Dr. it is a side effect I can deal with and we can explore it more later. As for my actual OCD-- I have officially gone 4 or 5 days in a row without a single anxiety inducing HOCD thought. Crazy huh!? I will finish watching a movie, or be home after being out for the day at some sort of event or after being around people and realize, "Oh my Gosh, I haven't had a single thought all day". These are events that used to cause me great torment and I have been a prisoner of 8-10 hours of rumination a day in regards to my OCD for the last 2 years, and just a little less the 4 years before that. So, needless to say... BIG DEAL. I was even able to discuss a lesbian couple with my roommate like a normal human being a few days ago. My therapist is incredibly happy with my progress and I have started journaling so we can get to work on my ERP hierarchy. Woot woot.

Now of course, this doesn't mean all of the OCD has slowed down. My ROCD has been quite a pain the past few weeks. I go through periods  of time convinced I will never have strong enough feelings in my current relationship and wondering if I will ever feel fulfilled enough in the relationship (looking for the feeling of love). Some days if I am not super intent on talking to the BF, I start wondering if it's because my feelings are strong enough--because shouldn't I want to talk to him ALL THE TIME? Dumb. But, my therapist and I are starting to delve into the ROCD more and I think it will help a lot. I am writing down my triggers and the thoughts associated with them in order to keep track of things. I am also trying to work on the "it is what it is" line. Easier said than done :/

My boyfriend and I are going on vacation (long distance relationship) for 10 days in December. Needless to say, I'm a bit nervous. We have not seen each other since my "ultimate breakdown" in which I was convinced I had to come out of the closet and break up with him (a week before I sought help). I have told him I am pretty nervous and hoping things go well. I am really going to talk to my therapist the next two weeks about ways I can battle the OCD while I'm with him. If any of you have any useful tips it would be greatly appreciated. I am going to try to use it as a form of exposure I guess. So it could definitely be helpful if I can keep my head on straight *fingers crossed*. All in all I am excited, but definitely skeptical. I'll keep you guys updated :) Any again---suggestions would be great!

P.S. I plan on telling him for the first time about my HOCD--he only knows about the ROCD. You can assume its added a little anxiety to the thoughts of our vacation. :0

OCD's High Standards

During my appointment last week my therapist used a phrase that I hadn't really thought about in terms of my OCD, and a light bulb went off. We were talking about my issues with sexuality and she stated that I had set incredibly high standards for myself in terms of being straight, and these standards are ones that can never be met. It clicked. That is what OCD does.

In regards to my sexuality, I (and my OCD) have created this picture in my head of what straight is supposed to look like. This involves everything from how I sit to how I eat to what kind of dogs I like (ridiculous I know) and how hairy my arms are. This list could literally go on for days, but let's just say it's gotten to the point that it's actually pretty comical (on the days I know it's the OCD of course). Any little things I do, action I take or person I look at provides the opportunity for my OCD to latch on and scream, "Hey! that's not straight of you!" and off I go into the immediate questioning, checking, and rumination. Would non- OCDers who are gay or straight ever have any major issues with the things I listed above? Of course not. Because they aren't afraid of their orientation. They don't have the fear I have, and OCD hasn't ingrained all the ridiculously high standards in their brains. For them, it is what it is and they're comfortable. For me, it's the I want to rip my hair out feeling.

Now, in terms of my relationship OCD, the same can be said. I have built this picture in my head of what love is supposed to look like. This involves everything anyone has ever seen on TV or in romantic comedies and love stories. EVERYTHING. And, the second my relationship doesn't live up to these standards, or I hear a statement in ones of these movies or tv shows that challenges my feelings---hello OCD. The even funnier thing about the ROCD is that when you are in a relationship and the OCD causes you to look for the "perfect love" so hard--it's never going to come! The standards are so high, and no relationship will EVER live up to these standards (which I have to force myself to believe-because of course a part of me wants to think there has to be ONE relationship that is perfect, and nothing else is good enough). Now, the part I really struggle with in this regard, as I stated in a previous post, is my past relationship. It was my first serious relationship (5 years) and I was head over heels. Although I can see the faults in the relationship most days, and realize my current boyfriend and relationship are SO MUCH better for me, my OCD still finds opportunities to latch on. "You'll never know if he wasn't the one, and if you're missing out" "You never questioned your love with him" "You were always happy with him". The other unfortunate part of this circumstance (some wouldn't see it as unfortunate) is that my ROCD didn't start until my second relationship. So, the questioning and checking is much much worse because I am always wondering why it didn't ever start up with my ex--which brings on the OCD question of "Is that because he is the one for you" Bla. Anyways, my point is--OCD and its perfectionism have a way of creeping into your mind and creating all these false illusions and high standards. And I guess the first step in controlling the OCD is realizing how unrealistic and irrational these standards really are--and learning to deal with the doubt they cause. OCD is awesome.

"It just doesn't feel right"

The phrase "It just doesn't feel right" probably resonates well with most Pure O sufferers. You find yourself drowning in a sea of unwanted, irrational, head pounding thoughts. These thoughts follow you everywhere you go- day in- day out. You may have 15 seconds where you have this wonderful feeling of euphoria with the realization that--"These thoughts are ridiculous! You aren't gay, you aren't a pedophile, you love your significant other". But, whatever reassuring thoughts enabled you to feel this brief moment of relaxation and relief are suddenly challenged--just 15 seconds later. Somewhere in your brain you find any experience or feeling you can to challenge your rationality and sabotage yourself back into the clutches of your OCD. This is accompanied by tightness in your chest and butterflies in your stomach. You again start battling with yourself. Anything you walk by on the street, any person you see, any tv show or song on the radio somehow relates to whatever theme you find yourself suffering from on that given day. ROCD causes you to not be able to watch chick flicks or listen to love songs. HOCD doesn't allow you to sit and watch "Ellen" on TV. Anytime you hear the word gay your chest automatically tightens. If it's a day with ROCD you find yourself examining whether every second spent with your significant others brings "the butterflies". You absolutely cannot figure out how in a matter of minutes you find yourself determining if you are gay or not gay 6 or 7 different times...or how the first week of the month you feel wonderful with your significant other. You have the butterflies everyone wants, you are relaxed, you can enjoy their company. Then a week later you are in tears and suffering from constant questioning because your brain will not allow to you even look at the other person without examining every emotion running through your body, and questioning every single thing about the relationship. But, you don't know what OCD is. You eventually get to the point that you want to come out of the closet and break off your relationship because the anxiety is too much. But even when you reach that point you STILL QUESTION. You still know that "something just doesn't feel right".

Two weeks ago I finally found out that the "It just doesn't feel right" statement could finally be justified. I went through years and years thinking there was something wrong with me. I thought I was just going to have to live with these thoughts forever. While I knew they weren't normal, I was too afraid to go to anyone. I feared if I went to a therapist they would simply tell me that I was gay, and everything would finally topple down in front of me, and I would have to live with that realization for the rest of my life. I thought this would explain why the feelings I had in my relationship were constantly changing--because I wasn't supposed to be with a guy anyways. Fortunately for me, my final breaking point occurred about three weeks ago. While visiting my boyfriend I found myself in my second worst episode I have had with my OCD.  I fell into a deep state of depression, with such great anxiety that I was making myself physically sick. It was one of the worst weeks of my life. Through the encouragement of my wonderful and supportive boyfriend I finally decided there really was something wrong, and I needed to see someone. I returned home and called my dad for help. This resulted in me seeing a therapist and being told I had symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Behavior and that I needed to be put on an SSRI to calm my mind and body down. This was the very beginning of what I know will be a long journey will OCD, and I hope to share more about my experiences with both HOCD and ROCD in the coming weeks. I would love input from others who have suffered through the same experiences, and I would love to provide feedback as well.