When planning this blog out in my mind I wanted to start with a sufficient overview of my history with OCD. Today, however, has been one of those days that I feel like my brain has been so overloaded with questions, thoughts and ideas that the thought of organizing 6 years of OCD history makes me dizzy. So, I'm going to write about something I believe to be one of my (and possibly many others) biggest issues with OCD. For the past several years I have found myself constantly searching for the "magical fix". Something that will just magically make things "ok". When I find this fix I believe I will be happy, and everything in my life will be the way it is supposed to be. I will go through bouts where I obsess over this fix, and spends days and days researching what I believe to be the answer at that given time. I had always assumed this constant searching was just a result of the "problems" I thought I had (that I was gay and in the wrong relationship) or the fact that I am incredibly self aware, perfectionistic, and hard on myself. However, once I started reading and learning about OCD I clearly made the connection between this magical fix and the very unmagical things going on inside my brain.
I can see that some days this fix will revolve around my relationship. I will think that if everything was the way it was supposed to be and I was in love and could stay that way, everything would be "ok". Therefore, clearly the relationship I am in is not the "fix" and isn't right for me. If it was, I wouldn't feel this way. Other days it will revolve around another huge issue I have with my ROCD: my past relationship. I will be convinced that the only way I am ever going to be happy again is if I get back together with my ex. The one who I for so many years convinced myself was the only person in the world for me. And, in my mind built a force field around all the wonderful times we had together, while seemingly forgetting about all the horrible ones that made up a much much larger portion. These thoughts will make me miserable for days. Other days I will obsess over things simply related to myself. Last week the only thing I could think or research about was ADHD (this isn't completely irrational because I am being tested) and the fact that if I could just fix that about myself then all my problems with school would be fixed. Other days I will obsess over purpose in life. What really is the point? If I could become more faithful with more belief in God, I would have more purpose and everything would be ok. If I could just be in love the way I want to be I would be happy and my life would have more purpose. The list goes on for days. It's like a constant battle with myself to find the fix. But, the scary thing is that it will never come. This fix is simply a figment of my OCD. It is my brain looking for some absolute definitive answer. But, if there was one wouldn't I have found it already? With all the wonderful things I have in my life wouldn't I have been able to find the happiness I am looking for, couldn't I just be content? I should be and would be if it wasn't for that little voice in the back of my head that rears its ugly OCD behaviors. I have learned that one fix will simply bring on another. The days that I feel like I am in love and happy in my relationship inevitably get thrown to the wayside by the thoughts brought on by my OCD and that fix is once again in question. The days I read about faith and religion get thrown off the tracks when I start scaring myself with another OCD theme. The positive fact is that I have identified it. Working my way thought it, and finding a way to not always be in search of that definitive answer is the trickier part.
Showing posts with label Pure O. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pure O. Show all posts
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
"It just doesn't feel right"
The phrase "It just doesn't feel right" probably resonates well with most Pure O sufferers. You find yourself drowning in a sea of unwanted, irrational, head pounding thoughts. These thoughts follow you everywhere you go- day in- day out. You may have 15 seconds where you have this wonderful feeling of euphoria with the realization that--"These thoughts are ridiculous! You aren't gay, you aren't a pedophile, you love your significant other". But, whatever reassuring thoughts enabled you to feel this brief moment of relaxation and relief are suddenly challenged--just 15 seconds later. Somewhere in your brain you find any experience or feeling you can to challenge your rationality and sabotage yourself back into the clutches of your OCD. This is accompanied by tightness in your chest and butterflies in your stomach. You again start battling with yourself. Anything you walk by on the street, any person you see, any tv show or song on the radio somehow relates to whatever theme you find yourself suffering from on that given day. ROCD causes you to not be able to watch chick flicks or listen to love songs. HOCD doesn't allow you to sit and watch "Ellen" on TV. Anytime you hear the word gay your chest automatically tightens. If it's a day with ROCD you find yourself examining whether every second spent with your significant others brings "the butterflies". You absolutely cannot figure out how in a matter of minutes you find yourself determining if you are gay or not gay 6 or 7 different times...or how the first week of the month you feel wonderful with your significant other. You have the butterflies everyone wants, you are relaxed, you can enjoy their company. Then a week later you are in tears and suffering from constant questioning because your brain will not allow to you even look at the other person without examining every emotion running through your body, and questioning every single thing about the relationship. But, you don't know what OCD is. You eventually get to the point that you want to come out of the closet and break off your relationship because the anxiety is too much. But even when you reach that point you STILL QUESTION. You still know that "something just doesn't feel right".
Two weeks ago I finally found out that the "It just doesn't feel right" statement could finally be justified. I went through years and years thinking there was something wrong with me. I thought I was just going to have to live with these thoughts forever. While I knew they weren't normal, I was too afraid to go to anyone. I feared if I went to a therapist they would simply tell me that I was gay, and everything would finally topple down in front of me, and I would have to live with that realization for the rest of my life. I thought this would explain why the feelings I had in my relationship were constantly changing--because I wasn't supposed to be with a guy anyways. Fortunately for me, my final breaking point occurred about three weeks ago. While visiting my boyfriend I found myself in my second worst episode I have had with my OCD. I fell into a deep state of depression, with such great anxiety that I was making myself physically sick. It was one of the worst weeks of my life. Through the encouragement of my wonderful and supportive boyfriend I finally decided there really was something wrong, and I needed to see someone. I returned home and called my dad for help. This resulted in me seeing a therapist and being told I had symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Behavior and that I needed to be put on an SSRI to calm my mind and body down. This was the very beginning of what I know will be a long journey will OCD, and I hope to share more about my experiences with both HOCD and ROCD in the coming weeks. I would love input from others who have suffered through the same experiences, and I would love to provide feedback as well.
Two weeks ago I finally found out that the "It just doesn't feel right" statement could finally be justified. I went through years and years thinking there was something wrong with me. I thought I was just going to have to live with these thoughts forever. While I knew they weren't normal, I was too afraid to go to anyone. I feared if I went to a therapist they would simply tell me that I was gay, and everything would finally topple down in front of me, and I would have to live with that realization for the rest of my life. I thought this would explain why the feelings I had in my relationship were constantly changing--because I wasn't supposed to be with a guy anyways. Fortunately for me, my final breaking point occurred about three weeks ago. While visiting my boyfriend I found myself in my second worst episode I have had with my OCD. I fell into a deep state of depression, with such great anxiety that I was making myself physically sick. It was one of the worst weeks of my life. Through the encouragement of my wonderful and supportive boyfriend I finally decided there really was something wrong, and I needed to see someone. I returned home and called my dad for help. This resulted in me seeing a therapist and being told I had symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Behavior and that I needed to be put on an SSRI to calm my mind and body down. This was the very beginning of what I know will be a long journey will OCD, and I hope to share more about my experiences with both HOCD and ROCD in the coming weeks. I would love input from others who have suffered through the same experiences, and I would love to provide feedback as well.
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