Lots of Catching Up to Do

Phew. I feel like it has been months since I have written a post, and there has been so much to write about I don't even know where to start. Well, first and foremost, I made it back from vacation with my boyfriend...I am alive, well, and still in a relationship so I have already exceeded my expectations! ;) We left on vacation the 26th and I arrived home late last night, so it was a full 10 day adventure. Our little trip started with a 9 hour road trip in which I told my boyfriend about my HOCD. Until now he only knew about ROCD and I had told him I would tell him the other part once I was ready. Let's just say it was even harder than I thought it would be. I have never been scared or nervous to share ANYTHING with him...but the whole lesbian fear thing was terrifying to relay. It took me a full 10 minutes just to spill out one sentence. But, I did end up telling him, and explaining things to the best of my ability. We both agreed he definitely needs to do some reading on it so he can gain a deeper understanding, as the whole notion was still quite confusing to him, BUT he of course took it well and we continued on our little vacay. I talked to him about exposure therapy and we actually had a pretty fun time with it while on vacation. Anytime I saw something somewhere that would usually cause a spike I would just say ET and we would comment on it and move on while usually making a joke about it. Who knew Exposure Therapy could be so fun? ;)

While we did do work on ET, the first three days were really rough. I didn't have ANY issues with HOCD, but my ROCD was kicking me in the face. I felt completely disengaged from everything. It was that "faking" feeling, and it accompanied everything thing I did and every word I said. I constantly had the nagging thoughts I was having last week related to narcissism. "You don't really care about what he saying right now", "You are selfish and don't care about him so taking part in this conversation is just a lie". It even goes as far as telling me that if bad things happened to him I really wouldn't care and be bothered by it, because I don't care about him. While riding in the car I would constantly question and test if the experience "was enough" and the feelings were there. The worst part about all of it is that it KILLS my self confidence. I feel so incredibly worthless and undeserving of him. There were so many times I almost asked for reassurance about why he put up with me and why he had hung around for so long. The person I am when my OCD is flared up is not me, and I feel like he's spent 90% of his time with that person. I am so stuck in my own head that I can't engage in anything with him or take part in conversations with his friends. In a sense I just feel like a huge buzz kill. I hate the person that OCD causes me to be at times. I am hard to get along with, high maintenance, reserved, and flat out boring. All of these things are so far from what I am when I am just plain old me. I used to have no trouble being happy, have been told I am incredibly low maintenance and get along with everyone I meet. The other crappy thing about the ROCD is the cataclysmic thinking. We got into a bit of a battle on the second or third night of vacation. We were disagreeing about plans, I was incredibly grumpy and difficult, and getting things to go smoothly was just not working. This happens to everyone though. It should be no big deal. Not for me. We were sitting in the car in the middle of our little argument and all I could do was concoct world ending scenarios in my head about the fight. Things like, "Well, you should just let him go with his friends tomorrow and stay home, because he probably thinks you're incredibly boring anyways and would  rather spend his time with them than with you"...This then leads to more catastrophic thinking and I come up with ways this one fight will probably ruin our relationship and obviously gives reasons for why things won't work out. This whole "mood" or spike lasted the first three days for the most part.  On top of struggling with the OCD, my prozac has been causing me to have horribly graphic and disturbing dreams that I can go through step by step when I wake up. I HATE THEM. This is the one side effect of the drugs that really bothers me. So, on top of the nagging feelings during the day, I was not sleeping well at all throughout the night. I had told myself that I wasn't going to do any reassurance seeking on the trip, but I gave in on the third day. I woke up on the third morning and shed a few tears in my pillow then got on the internet and resorted to one of my favorite Dr. Grayson articles. It is unreal how much reassurance seeking helps. We all know it is a love hate relationship, because as much as you shouldn't do it..the benefits are hard to pass up.

I am not sure if it was the reassurance seeking or not, but I kid you not when I say the fourth night I slept like a baby and woke up a completely different person. We spent our first three days skiing so part of it could have been that I was completely exhausted, but either way, I have never been so happy to get a good nights sleep...and not remember a single dream I had all night. Incredible. I honestly feel like I woke up the fourth morning a new person. The old me. I was talkative, engaging in conversation, smiling, laughing, the whole shibang. Every hour that passed I could feel the dark cloud lifting and the questioning and doubting fading bit by bit. We took a flight that day to head to our second part of vacation and when we arrived to our second destination I had the best five days I have had in a long long time. I am not an emotional person in this sense, but thinking about it almost makes me teary eyed because it has been so long so I have been able to feel the way I did. I was not analyzing every thought that went through my head, I was wholeheartedly laughing at things my boyfriend said, I was able to act like a normal girlfriend and be the person I know that I am when I don't have OCD flare ups. For the first time in months the feelings that I have known the OCD was suppressing came flooding back. I also did not have a single comparing type thought to my past relationship the last five days of the trip  which is a biggy. It may sound crazy to some but I was able to sit down on the couch, take a nap, and enjoy watching TV with my boyfriend like a normal person. This is something I couldn't enjoy a few months ago. I would have been constantly worrying that I was not in love and that we should be out doing something or going somewhere. But this time, there were no worries. I could lay down, close my eyes, and relax. So, you know what OCD, thankyou, for making me appreciate the good times in my life so much more than I used to. I will never take for granted feelings I have for another person ever again. I had such an unbelievable time during those five days, and there is no way in the world they could have been better. So, I guess you could say I'm making progress :)

Rainy Sunday

Well, it's been awhile since my last post. All kinds of ideas keep popping in my head as far as things to write about, but I just haven't had the motivation to sit down and do it. However, it's a gross rainy Sunday here in the midwest, so, there's no better time to spill my beans!

I am going to start with a little update on how my OCD has been the past week or so. For starters, I am now taking the appropriate dose of Prozac for my OCD (40 mg) so I am hoping to see even more benefits in the next few weeks. The only thing I am really struggling with is fatigue. ugh. I will literally sleep for 8 or 9 hours, wake up for a bit, and feel like I need to take a nap or two throughout the day--and still can't stay up past 10! yikes. But, I told the Dr. it is a side effect I can deal with and we can explore it more later. As for my actual OCD-- I have officially gone 4 or 5 days in a row without a single anxiety inducing HOCD thought. Crazy huh!? I will finish watching a movie, or be home after being out for the day at some sort of event or after being around people and realize, "Oh my Gosh, I haven't had a single thought all day". These are events that used to cause me great torment and I have been a prisoner of 8-10 hours of rumination a day in regards to my OCD for the last 2 years, and just a little less the 4 years before that. So, needless to say... BIG DEAL. I was even able to discuss a lesbian couple with my roommate like a normal human being a few days ago. My therapist is incredibly happy with my progress and I have started journaling so we can get to work on my ERP hierarchy. Woot woot.

Now of course, this doesn't mean all of the OCD has slowed down. My ROCD has been quite a pain the past few weeks. I go through periods  of time convinced I will never have strong enough feelings in my current relationship and wondering if I will ever feel fulfilled enough in the relationship (looking for the feeling of love). Some days if I am not super intent on talking to the BF, I start wondering if it's because my feelings are strong enough--because shouldn't I want to talk to him ALL THE TIME? Dumb. But, my therapist and I are starting to delve into the ROCD more and I think it will help a lot. I am writing down my triggers and the thoughts associated with them in order to keep track of things. I am also trying to work on the "it is what it is" line. Easier said than done :/

My boyfriend and I are going on vacation (long distance relationship) for 10 days in December. Needless to say, I'm a bit nervous. We have not seen each other since my "ultimate breakdown" in which I was convinced I had to come out of the closet and break up with him (a week before I sought help). I have told him I am pretty nervous and hoping things go well. I am really going to talk to my therapist the next two weeks about ways I can battle the OCD while I'm with him. If any of you have any useful tips it would be greatly appreciated. I am going to try to use it as a form of exposure I guess. So it could definitely be helpful if I can keep my head on straight *fingers crossed*. All in all I am excited, but definitely skeptical. I'll keep you guys updated :) Any again---suggestions would be great!

P.S. I plan on telling him for the first time about my HOCD--he only knows about the ROCD. You can assume its added a little anxiety to the thoughts of our vacation. :0

Random Thoughts for the Day

I don't have any real inspiring material for the night. Just some random thoughts that have been going through my head. :) I was talking to my boyfriend this evening about my moods incorporated with my OCD. I found it quite funny that I actually used the title of my blog to describe it to him (he isn't allowed to read it). Days with OCD are literally like rollercoaster rides. Now that I am on meds, I will find that I literally have hours here and there where I forget that I even have OCD. I feel like a normal person and how I assume I felt before my OCD started---it's been too long ago to really remember. Sometimes this will be two or three days lapsed together. I won't necessarily forget about the OCD, but it's just like the thoughts really don't bother me. The anxiety isn't as prevalent and I guess you could say I shrug off the irrational thoughts like a normal human being. Other days--BAM! Sometimes I don't even know what triggers it. I just feel so down. It is almost like now that I know I have OCD there is a big gray cloud that follows me around from time to time that just makes me feel gloomy--even if it's not necessarily the obsessive thoughts and anxiety that cause it. It's just something that is there. But, don't get me wrong. I am using this excerpt as a spot to declare something I am grateful for tonight, which is: going to a therapist who immediately realized I had obsessive compulsive behaviors and immediately started me on an SSRI. On the days where I wonder if I even have OCD, because I feel great and happy, and of course am still questioning the legitimacy of my diagnosis, I simply remind myself of the deep dark hole I was in just a month ago before I sought out help and started my meds. I think about how incredibly out of control my brain was and how in the world I did not realize something was terribly wrong so much sooner. I feel so bad that I wasn't able to recognize the seriousness of my thoughts and behaviors, and continued to put myself and those around me through the horrible effects of OCD. For all of you out there finding yourselves debilitated by OCD, please don't hesitate to try medication. Not necessarily as a long term solution, but atleast a way to calm down your brain while working your way through therapy. It has helped me so much already.

My other random thought of the day is just a simple "What I am thankful for". Today I just want to say how thankful I am for the support system I have, and tonight that specifically refers to my boyfriend. He is the number one reason why I finally sought out help and has been more supportive and wonderful than I could have ever hoped or asked for. He is quite simply one of the kindest and well intentioned people I have ever met. I don't know what in the world I ever did to deserve him, but I'll count my blessings.

"It just doesn't feel right"

The phrase "It just doesn't feel right" probably resonates well with most Pure O sufferers. You find yourself drowning in a sea of unwanted, irrational, head pounding thoughts. These thoughts follow you everywhere you go- day in- day out. You may have 15 seconds where you have this wonderful feeling of euphoria with the realization that--"These thoughts are ridiculous! You aren't gay, you aren't a pedophile, you love your significant other". But, whatever reassuring thoughts enabled you to feel this brief moment of relaxation and relief are suddenly challenged--just 15 seconds later. Somewhere in your brain you find any experience or feeling you can to challenge your rationality and sabotage yourself back into the clutches of your OCD. This is accompanied by tightness in your chest and butterflies in your stomach. You again start battling with yourself. Anything you walk by on the street, any person you see, any tv show or song on the radio somehow relates to whatever theme you find yourself suffering from on that given day. ROCD causes you to not be able to watch chick flicks or listen to love songs. HOCD doesn't allow you to sit and watch "Ellen" on TV. Anytime you hear the word gay your chest automatically tightens. If it's a day with ROCD you find yourself examining whether every second spent with your significant others brings "the butterflies". You absolutely cannot figure out how in a matter of minutes you find yourself determining if you are gay or not gay 6 or 7 different times...or how the first week of the month you feel wonderful with your significant other. You have the butterflies everyone wants, you are relaxed, you can enjoy their company. Then a week later you are in tears and suffering from constant questioning because your brain will not allow to you even look at the other person without examining every emotion running through your body, and questioning every single thing about the relationship. But, you don't know what OCD is. You eventually get to the point that you want to come out of the closet and break off your relationship because the anxiety is too much. But even when you reach that point you STILL QUESTION. You still know that "something just doesn't feel right".

Two weeks ago I finally found out that the "It just doesn't feel right" statement could finally be justified. I went through years and years thinking there was something wrong with me. I thought I was just going to have to live with these thoughts forever. While I knew they weren't normal, I was too afraid to go to anyone. I feared if I went to a therapist they would simply tell me that I was gay, and everything would finally topple down in front of me, and I would have to live with that realization for the rest of my life. I thought this would explain why the feelings I had in my relationship were constantly changing--because I wasn't supposed to be with a guy anyways. Fortunately for me, my final breaking point occurred about three weeks ago. While visiting my boyfriend I found myself in my second worst episode I have had with my OCD.  I fell into a deep state of depression, with such great anxiety that I was making myself physically sick. It was one of the worst weeks of my life. Through the encouragement of my wonderful and supportive boyfriend I finally decided there really was something wrong, and I needed to see someone. I returned home and called my dad for help. This resulted in me seeing a therapist and being told I had symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Behavior and that I needed to be put on an SSRI to calm my mind and body down. This was the very beginning of what I know will be a long journey will OCD, and I hope to share more about my experiences with both HOCD and ROCD in the coming weeks. I would love input from others who have suffered through the same experiences, and I would love to provide feedback as well.