Back on the blogging map.

Ya, so about the fact that I haven't blogged in literally 7 months...oops. Showing up here again makes me want to toot my own horn in regards to the absolutely perfect title I managed to give this blog when I started. Roller.Coaster.Ride. Ultimately, however, if I were to sum my current state of mind and OCD (they're actually one in the same--which is very unfortunate) into one sentence I would say  "I have been a lot better and I have been a HELL of a lot worse". So I guess that points towards progress, right? Unfortunately though, with this mind of mine even the slightest bit of a downward decent feels like a death sentence. I start to feel really "stuck" and overwhelmed really quickly. Yes, I can now walk down street without every person I walk by being absolutely terrifying due to HOCD, I can carry out normal conversations with females, I can watch movies and TV shows with gay people in them, I can talk on the phone to my boyfriend without feeling miserable from the over analyzing, I can spend large amounts of time with my boyfriend with seemingly no compulsive or checking oriented thoughts or behaviors, and I can have conversations with him and others about our plans for the future without feeling like I'm going to throw up. That's just a short list of the improvements I have made, so I get it...the place I am in now compared to the place I was almost a year ago is almost unfathomable. BUT, it is still so frustrating when I feel myself going backwards again. My brain could care less about the severity of my anxiety and the behaviors associated with it. The thoughts, concerns, and fears seem just as threatening, and the results of these thoughts seem and feel just as catastrophic. I still end up in a horrible state of mind and feeling incredibly depressed, which ultimately leads to a decline in my OCD defense mode, and the uncertainty becomes just as unbearable as before....even if I can walk down the street like a seemingly normal human being.

The worst thing about the spike in my anxiety this time around is that my brain REALLY played tricks on me ( I know it doesn't even seem possible that this could happen any more severely than it has in the past...but it did). In the words of my therapist, I have "developed OCD over my OCD". For the past several weeks/ almost months/ I've actually been doing it FOREVER...I have been doing my typical obsessive researching and info seeking about my health. Physical and mental health. Constantly searching for things that could be wrong with me, that of course seem incredibly reasonable, that would explain the way I am feeling all the time and give me reason to believe there are solutions for my OCD and ADHD. Trying to figure out why I feel the way I do, why I am so much different than I used to be, why I feel so tired all the time, why it is so hard for me to feel happy for more than a few months, why I don't enjoy the activities that I used to, why my personality has changed etc etc. These are, of course, all valid everyday concerns that anyone could have...I get that. But with the way my brain works things out these concerns are just making feel worse, because I am looking for certainty I am never going to get and checking, researching, obsessing, and and compulsions are all involved. I will think I have found a solution for a short period of time and then it of course flips around to something else. "It's just your OCD, it's your ADHD, maybe your thyroid is messed up, maybe you have this or this or this or this or this". I have been constantly over analyzing every little thing going on with my body and mind...with the fear that if I don't figure it out I am going to be miserable and feel this way for the rest of my life. Little irrational don't you think? Surprise Surprise. This has of course led to heightening anxiety in regards to all of my themes. What I have come to realize during this latest fad is that the overall theme of my OCD is making me terrified of living a life in which I am unhappy. Whether it's because of a fear that I am with the wrong guy, the fear that I should actually be with a woman, the fear that I have a problem I don't know about that is going to cause me to feel depressed and unfulfilled the rest of my life, or whatever the hell else my brain comes up with...I am terrified of being unhappy. Where does all the fear get me? Feeling unhappy. Pretty ironic.

That's the end of the rant. Fortunately, I have a therapist that a lot of people on here talk about wishing they had. She rocks...and if I can pull myself up from my boot straps and get it back together again, she provides me with every bit of information and guidance I need to grind through this new theme. Here's to hoping.

Also, thankyou to everyone out there who has continued blogging and sharing their experiences. It was so nice to pop my head in and read everything you have been writing, again making me feel like I am by no means alone and it is normal to take a few steps backwards at times. Let's just hope it's not more than a few.

You'd Think I'd Learn My Lesson..

You would think that after hundreds of spikes I would eventually learn my lesson. Definitely not the case, unfortunately. But. In my defense, I really don't think the OCD will ever allow me to learn my lesson. Basically, I have been on cloud 9 since vacation. Everything has been going incredibly well and I have had no unmanageable spikes with either R or H. But, this is lesson I clearly haven't learned.--It will come back--. No matter how clear you are seeing things on the good days and no matter how much you know your OCD notions are ridiculous on these days--the OCD will show its face again at some point in time, and no matter what kind of clarity you were feeling in the past, everything will become blurry and clouded again. The last couple days have been a clear example of this. It started with exposure therapy about two days ago. I had met with my therapist and we decided I had made so much progress that we could start meeting everything week--woo hoo. Just the next morning, however, I started feeling a little "off". Things were bothering me more than they had in a while and I just didn't feel like myself. I decided to use it as an opportunity for exposure, since it had been so easy recently. I basically thought it would just be a challenge, especially since my therapist and I had just talked about how I was at the very top of my hierarchy and exposure was going to have to be more hands on. The next step in my hierarchy was getting online and reading coming out stories. Horrible Horrible Horrible. I think I finally learned what exposure therapy was really about. Anxiety=10/10 and my head started reeling immediately. It totally knocked me off my feet and I haven't quite gotten back up yet. I went into a panic for the most part and called my therapist to schedule a meeting for next week instead of the week following. I also went into major reassurance mode. I immediately got on StuckInADoorway...reading post after post after post. I also went into reassurance mode with my boyfriend. I skyped with him the night I tried doing the exposure and told him what I did and how crappy I was feeling. He was incredibly tired that night and not super talkative. He was also incredibly busy the next day with interviews and school. I of course went into catastrophe mode and started assuming that me telling him about my exposure the night before had completely freaked him out and he probably thought I was just a lesbian, and didn't want to be with me anymore and wasn't talking to me much because of it. Typical. After texting him more than one time in reassurance mode I had to get through the day while he was doing interviews and family stuff. Of course, that night he texted me just like normal and everything was fine. Had the stupid reassurance I needed.

The thing I am most confused about is why I had this random spike. I had JUST talked to my therapist about how I made it through an entire period basically without even knowing I was having it. I had zero physical side effects like headaches and ZERO OCD flare ups. Usually my period is hell and I know it is coming days ahead of time. I was so amazed...then three days AFTER my period finished I started feeling exactly like I do during that time of the month. I am assuming, and hoping, the explanation is the ADHD meds I started last week. My doctor put me on a non-stimulant med called Intuniv. Definitely not the right drug for me. I was sleeping 16 hours a day, started getting horrible headaches and 4 days in I started going through this with my OCD. I have already stopped taking them and am going back to the doctor next week to discuss other options. So, like I said, I am HOPING that is the simple explanation...especially since it is a slow release capsule and the OCD flare up most likely wouldn't have started until a few days in...which is what happened. I am heading back to the therapist on Monday, and am planning on doing my exposure in the office instead of on my own. I am going to print off several stories from the website I was on and go through them with my therapist. I know anxiety and fear is what OCD is all about, but you don't realize how awful it really is until you're back in the middle of it again. Ugh. Hoping to wake up in the morning without my OCD glasses on. We shall see. Goodnight everyone.

Lots of Catching Up to Do

Phew. I feel like it has been months since I have written a post, and there has been so much to write about I don't even know where to start. Well, first and foremost, I made it back from vacation with my boyfriend...I am alive, well, and still in a relationship so I have already exceeded my expectations! ;) We left on vacation the 26th and I arrived home late last night, so it was a full 10 day adventure. Our little trip started with a 9 hour road trip in which I told my boyfriend about my HOCD. Until now he only knew about ROCD and I had told him I would tell him the other part once I was ready. Let's just say it was even harder than I thought it would be. I have never been scared or nervous to share ANYTHING with him...but the whole lesbian fear thing was terrifying to relay. It took me a full 10 minutes just to spill out one sentence. But, I did end up telling him, and explaining things to the best of my ability. We both agreed he definitely needs to do some reading on it so he can gain a deeper understanding, as the whole notion was still quite confusing to him, BUT he of course took it well and we continued on our little vacay. I talked to him about exposure therapy and we actually had a pretty fun time with it while on vacation. Anytime I saw something somewhere that would usually cause a spike I would just say ET and we would comment on it and move on while usually making a joke about it. Who knew Exposure Therapy could be so fun? ;)

While we did do work on ET, the first three days were really rough. I didn't have ANY issues with HOCD, but my ROCD was kicking me in the face. I felt completely disengaged from everything. It was that "faking" feeling, and it accompanied everything thing I did and every word I said. I constantly had the nagging thoughts I was having last week related to narcissism. "You don't really care about what he saying right now", "You are selfish and don't care about him so taking part in this conversation is just a lie". It even goes as far as telling me that if bad things happened to him I really wouldn't care and be bothered by it, because I don't care about him. While riding in the car I would constantly question and test if the experience "was enough" and the feelings were there. The worst part about all of it is that it KILLS my self confidence. I feel so incredibly worthless and undeserving of him. There were so many times I almost asked for reassurance about why he put up with me and why he had hung around for so long. The person I am when my OCD is flared up is not me, and I feel like he's spent 90% of his time with that person. I am so stuck in my own head that I can't engage in anything with him or take part in conversations with his friends. In a sense I just feel like a huge buzz kill. I hate the person that OCD causes me to be at times. I am hard to get along with, high maintenance, reserved, and flat out boring. All of these things are so far from what I am when I am just plain old me. I used to have no trouble being happy, have been told I am incredibly low maintenance and get along with everyone I meet. The other crappy thing about the ROCD is the cataclysmic thinking. We got into a bit of a battle on the second or third night of vacation. We were disagreeing about plans, I was incredibly grumpy and difficult, and getting things to go smoothly was just not working. This happens to everyone though. It should be no big deal. Not for me. We were sitting in the car in the middle of our little argument and all I could do was concoct world ending scenarios in my head about the fight. Things like, "Well, you should just let him go with his friends tomorrow and stay home, because he probably thinks you're incredibly boring anyways and would  rather spend his time with them than with you"...This then leads to more catastrophic thinking and I come up with ways this one fight will probably ruin our relationship and obviously gives reasons for why things won't work out. This whole "mood" or spike lasted the first three days for the most part.  On top of struggling with the OCD, my prozac has been causing me to have horribly graphic and disturbing dreams that I can go through step by step when I wake up. I HATE THEM. This is the one side effect of the drugs that really bothers me. So, on top of the nagging feelings during the day, I was not sleeping well at all throughout the night. I had told myself that I wasn't going to do any reassurance seeking on the trip, but I gave in on the third day. I woke up on the third morning and shed a few tears in my pillow then got on the internet and resorted to one of my favorite Dr. Grayson articles. It is unreal how much reassurance seeking helps. We all know it is a love hate relationship, because as much as you shouldn't do it..the benefits are hard to pass up.

I am not sure if it was the reassurance seeking or not, but I kid you not when I say the fourth night I slept like a baby and woke up a completely different person. We spent our first three days skiing so part of it could have been that I was completely exhausted, but either way, I have never been so happy to get a good nights sleep...and not remember a single dream I had all night. Incredible. I honestly feel like I woke up the fourth morning a new person. The old me. I was talkative, engaging in conversation, smiling, laughing, the whole shibang. Every hour that passed I could feel the dark cloud lifting and the questioning and doubting fading bit by bit. We took a flight that day to head to our second part of vacation and when we arrived to our second destination I had the best five days I have had in a long long time. I am not an emotional person in this sense, but thinking about it almost makes me teary eyed because it has been so long so I have been able to feel the way I did. I was not analyzing every thought that went through my head, I was wholeheartedly laughing at things my boyfriend said, I was able to act like a normal girlfriend and be the person I know that I am when I don't have OCD flare ups. For the first time in months the feelings that I have known the OCD was suppressing came flooding back. I also did not have a single comparing type thought to my past relationship the last five days of the trip  which is a biggy. It may sound crazy to some but I was able to sit down on the couch, take a nap, and enjoy watching TV with my boyfriend like a normal person. This is something I couldn't enjoy a few months ago. I would have been constantly worrying that I was not in love and that we should be out doing something or going somewhere. But this time, there were no worries. I could lay down, close my eyes, and relax. So, you know what OCD, thankyou, for making me appreciate the good times in my life so much more than I used to. I will never take for granted feelings I have for another person ever again. I had such an unbelievable time during those five days, and there is no way in the world they could have been better. So, I guess you could say I'm making progress :)

Turning the light switch off

It's been longer than usual since my last post. The last week has been a mixture of things. The highlight I guess has been that my HOCD has practically vanished (let's knock on wood here). I have been able to interact with friends, employees at stores, watch movies with gorgeous actresses, and quite simply just walk down the street without discovering things or seeing other people that I believe make me gay. It's a pretty crazy feeling when you've finished watching a movie and realize that you have not had one single thought related to HOCD. Or, after walking to a destination on campus you realize that you did not look at a single person walking by you on the street and question if they were gay, if they thought you were gay, if you are attracted to them, if you could see yourself being with them and bla bla bla. Definitely making progress.

But, let's not get too excited (that's what I keep telling myself). Because, we all know that OCD likes to knock on the front door when everything seems to be just dandy. It has done exactly that in a couple different ways this week. When driving home from school for Christmas Break I realized that both forms of my OCD had been incredibly under control for about two days, which is a big deal. I wasn't obsessing over anything (well I was, but it was the positive aspects of my relationship) and like I said, the HOCD seemed to be something that I had trouble with decades ago. Then like clockwork, BAM, my first anxiety provoking thought in literally weeks. I was listening to Dr. Joy Brown on the radio and a caller asked for advice about her father who she believed to be a narcissist. For some reason I was not fully aware of what being a narcissist entailed. So, sure enough I googled it (damn you google) and started reading through descriptions and wikipedia pages. Like a freight train, it hit, "Am I a narcissist"? I immediately found several similarities between myself and the characteristics listed on the internet. Of course this led to immediate rumination and over thinking on my drive home. This was of course accompanied by the tightness in my chest and butterflies in my stomach. Luckily, it is something that created anxiety and really bothered me but didn't "stick" I guess you could say. It definitely didn't develop into some new obsession, but chose to slide its way into my ROCD instead. For the last two days anytime I talk to my boyfriend, my little OCD shadow just says to me "you're selfish, you don't care about what he has to say, you just want to talk about yourself. If you really cared about him you would want to listen to everything he had to say and wouldn't be so concerned about yourself. When he talks a lot you just get annoyed, which obviously means the relationship can't last long term". The most frustrating thing about it is that it is literally like a light switch. For a week straight I was feeling great about the relationship and like I said was obsessing about it but in a positive manner (still not a good thing, I know). I was incredibly excited for our vacation and missing him terribly. Then, we have one conversation, through text messages, that causes the switch to turn on. There was absolutely nothing about this conversation that should have caused any concern. I simply wasn't in the mood to talk and was watching a show online. He, however, was very talkative and texting left and right like we always do. The conversation completely turned me away and immediately made me start feeling like I didn't care. It's like all of the sudden I see that as some tall tell sign that the relationship isn't meant to be. Like normal people are ALWAYS in the mood to talk to their significant other. Right OCD, right. Anyways, it has basically turned into two straight days of grouchiness with him and me feeling like I am "faking it" again. This of course leads to rumination about past relationships and picking apart every tiny aspect of this relationship that will cause it to fail. It's like someone turns on the OCD light switch and the OCD causes you to have to put on sunglasses that blur your vision from all reality. Like no matter what you tell yourself or what you do you cannot see things clearly. When you are stuck in those moments you can't assess anything for what it really is. I see my boyfriend almost as a figment of my imagination. Like I don't actually think about him, I only think about the negative storyline I have built in my head. If I manage to cut through all the fog and illusions I begin to feel better because thoughts of him as a person and not an idea make me feel great. This probably doesn't make any sense at all,  but it's just how things have been for the past couple days.  Eventually, something will cause the light switch to turn off again, and I will come to the realization that my bad days were ridiculous and I will question why I could ever think that way. But for now I'm stuck and hoping something flips the switch for me.

I have been doing quite a bit of reading over break, and will fill everyone in on my next post. For those of you with Pure O who haven't read "Imp of the Mind", I strongly suggest it. It's the only book I have read that is directly written towards the pure form. I have also started to read a lot about mindfulness and Buddhism actually. I am finding it to be incredibly interesting and am working on putting a lot of the mindfulness techniques into practice. If you haven't read up on this theory of thought I would suggest it as well. Goodnight all.

Rainy Sunday

Well, it's been awhile since my last post. All kinds of ideas keep popping in my head as far as things to write about, but I just haven't had the motivation to sit down and do it. However, it's a gross rainy Sunday here in the midwest, so, there's no better time to spill my beans!

I am going to start with a little update on how my OCD has been the past week or so. For starters, I am now taking the appropriate dose of Prozac for my OCD (40 mg) so I am hoping to see even more benefits in the next few weeks. The only thing I am really struggling with is fatigue. ugh. I will literally sleep for 8 or 9 hours, wake up for a bit, and feel like I need to take a nap or two throughout the day--and still can't stay up past 10! yikes. But, I told the Dr. it is a side effect I can deal with and we can explore it more later. As for my actual OCD-- I have officially gone 4 or 5 days in a row without a single anxiety inducing HOCD thought. Crazy huh!? I will finish watching a movie, or be home after being out for the day at some sort of event or after being around people and realize, "Oh my Gosh, I haven't had a single thought all day". These are events that used to cause me great torment and I have been a prisoner of 8-10 hours of rumination a day in regards to my OCD for the last 2 years, and just a little less the 4 years before that. So, needless to say... BIG DEAL. I was even able to discuss a lesbian couple with my roommate like a normal human being a few days ago. My therapist is incredibly happy with my progress and I have started journaling so we can get to work on my ERP hierarchy. Woot woot.

Now of course, this doesn't mean all of the OCD has slowed down. My ROCD has been quite a pain the past few weeks. I go through periods  of time convinced I will never have strong enough feelings in my current relationship and wondering if I will ever feel fulfilled enough in the relationship (looking for the feeling of love). Some days if I am not super intent on talking to the BF, I start wondering if it's because my feelings are strong enough--because shouldn't I want to talk to him ALL THE TIME? Dumb. But, my therapist and I are starting to delve into the ROCD more and I think it will help a lot. I am writing down my triggers and the thoughts associated with them in order to keep track of things. I am also trying to work on the "it is what it is" line. Easier said than done :/

My boyfriend and I are going on vacation (long distance relationship) for 10 days in December. Needless to say, I'm a bit nervous. We have not seen each other since my "ultimate breakdown" in which I was convinced I had to come out of the closet and break up with him (a week before I sought help). I have told him I am pretty nervous and hoping things go well. I am really going to talk to my therapist the next two weeks about ways I can battle the OCD while I'm with him. If any of you have any useful tips it would be greatly appreciated. I am going to try to use it as a form of exposure I guess. So it could definitely be helpful if I can keep my head on straight *fingers crossed*. All in all I am excited, but definitely skeptical. I'll keep you guys updated :) Any again---suggestions would be great!

P.S. I plan on telling him for the first time about my HOCD--he only knows about the ROCD. You can assume its added a little anxiety to the thoughts of our vacation. :0

Aha!

I don't know how many of you watch the Oprah Network (OWN), but I am obsessed. I love every single show and absolutely love Oprah. With that being said I thought I would share a little bit about the "Aha" moment I had yesterday (Oprah is always looking for "aha" moments and talks about them constantly on her show). Like I said in my previous blog post, I have been struggling quite a bit with my (R)OCD the past couple weeks. As you all know when one theme fades another ones rears it's ugly head to take it's place. So, naturally as my HOCD has been fading away bit by bit (Thankyou Prozac) my ROCD has taken over. My therapist and I have been diving into my HOCD a lot more than ROCD, which is why I believe I am having a much better time with it. We have talked through almost everything thought I've ever had, rationalized, and have been constantly reminding myself that it's the OCD talking. However, we haven't done much discussing in the ROCD area, so it's really been tough for me the past couple weeks. The aspect I have the most trouble with (as I have stated in other posts) is my previous relationship. I COULD/CANNOT let it go. I have always wondered what in the world is wrong with me. People move on from relationships, especially when they know they have done everything they can to make it work and it just doesn't. It is not meant to be. End of story. Nope, not for me. Two years post final break up (and we haven't even officially been together in 3 years) and a year and half into a relationship with the most wonderful guy on the planet, the relationship still plays a huge role in my ROCD theme and GREATLY affects me. "What if you just give it one more try, you will never be over him, he is the only one for you, you loved him so much and won't ever have that again because you are only supposed to have one soul mate, you will go on for the rest of your life wondering if you regret not being with him, you will never be able to fully invest in another relationship because that relationship will always pop into the back of your mind" Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla. Along with the thoughts of if I really love my current boyfriend, and if my feelings are strong enough, the ex boyfriend theme always plays the homewrecker role. In the back of my mind I have known that it is very OCD related, but COULD NOT convince myself enough. It just didn't feel right ,like always, and I am always convincing myself that the only answer is going back to my ex. My mind does that wonderful little trick of only reminding me of all the wonderful things we went through. It conveniently excludes all the tears, disappointment, and hurt I experienced in the relationship, which are things my current boyfriend would never put me through. Anyways, like I said, it's been a struggle and it just seems so REAL (the worst part of Pure-O) because they are legitimate life concerns, just coupled with irrational behavior.
Now, about the Aha moment. Somehow I missed a very important portion of the "I think it moved" article by Dr. Phillipson. He says:
"Persons with this form of OCD who have ended relationships often incessantly ruminate about whether the choice was justified. After the relationship has ended, the mind becomes very selectively focused on only the positive memories and tends to disqualify the negative times. The natural discord associated with getting "the answer" in regard to whether to be in the relationship is tremendous. When OCD is involved, the magnitude of this discord is amplified to the point of torment. Persons who, in their reasonable mind, are aware that the relationship is truly over, can still spend hours pondering whether or not it might still be worthwhile making one more attempt to salvage it. When this element of obsession is present the natural healing effects of time tend to be eliminated."
"Amongst persons with relationship justification spikes, there tends to be much less clarity about the irrational nature of their particular concern. This is in large part due to western society's romantic notions about what being in a relationship entails. Our fairy tales and popular media present all-loving relationships as being endlessly earth moving, firework events".
" Persons often contemplate and occasionally dabble in the effort to establish whether they would feel different if they were with someone else. This explains why a number of patients have initiated therapy up to five years after they have ended the relationship and are still trying to bring a close to justifying that the final choice was the correct one."

HELLO! That is what's wrong. My OCD won't allow to move forward like normal people. I hadn't read much about other people having trouble with this aspect of the ROCD theme, but this article explains everything. While many OCD sufferers leave relationships  they possibly wouldn't leave if they didn't have the disorder, I have the opposite problem. My OCD won't let me leave the relationship I know I should have left and forgot about a long long time ago (still doubting). When I realize how much this has affected me over the past few years and how impossible it has made investing myself in another relationship I want to grab OCD by the hair and drag it behind my car. I hate it. But, I finally have the insight and finally feel like I understand what's been going on. I couldn't quite convince myself before that it was a problem with OCD (and will still have trouble convincing myself in the future---I know). But, I will take every bit of help I can get and am incredibly excited about the "aha" moment...and can't wait to share it with my therapist. So--Thankyou Dr. Phillipson, Thankyou.

OCD's High Standards

During my appointment last week my therapist used a phrase that I hadn't really thought about in terms of my OCD, and a light bulb went off. We were talking about my issues with sexuality and she stated that I had set incredibly high standards for myself in terms of being straight, and these standards are ones that can never be met. It clicked. That is what OCD does.

In regards to my sexuality, I (and my OCD) have created this picture in my head of what straight is supposed to look like. This involves everything from how I sit to how I eat to what kind of dogs I like (ridiculous I know) and how hairy my arms are. This list could literally go on for days, but let's just say it's gotten to the point that it's actually pretty comical (on the days I know it's the OCD of course). Any little things I do, action I take or person I look at provides the opportunity for my OCD to latch on and scream, "Hey! that's not straight of you!" and off I go into the immediate questioning, checking, and rumination. Would non- OCDers who are gay or straight ever have any major issues with the things I listed above? Of course not. Because they aren't afraid of their orientation. They don't have the fear I have, and OCD hasn't ingrained all the ridiculously high standards in their brains. For them, it is what it is and they're comfortable. For me, it's the I want to rip my hair out feeling.

Now, in terms of my relationship OCD, the same can be said. I have built this picture in my head of what love is supposed to look like. This involves everything anyone has ever seen on TV or in romantic comedies and love stories. EVERYTHING. And, the second my relationship doesn't live up to these standards, or I hear a statement in ones of these movies or tv shows that challenges my feelings---hello OCD. The even funnier thing about the ROCD is that when you are in a relationship and the OCD causes you to look for the "perfect love" so hard--it's never going to come! The standards are so high, and no relationship will EVER live up to these standards (which I have to force myself to believe-because of course a part of me wants to think there has to be ONE relationship that is perfect, and nothing else is good enough). Now, the part I really struggle with in this regard, as I stated in a previous post, is my past relationship. It was my first serious relationship (5 years) and I was head over heels. Although I can see the faults in the relationship most days, and realize my current boyfriend and relationship are SO MUCH better for me, my OCD still finds opportunities to latch on. "You'll never know if he wasn't the one, and if you're missing out" "You never questioned your love with him" "You were always happy with him". The other unfortunate part of this circumstance (some wouldn't see it as unfortunate) is that my ROCD didn't start until my second relationship. So, the questioning and checking is much much worse because I am always wondering why it didn't ever start up with my ex--which brings on the OCD question of "Is that because he is the one for you" Bla. Anyways, my point is--OCD and its perfectionism have a way of creeping into your mind and creating all these false illusions and high standards. And I guess the first step in controlling the OCD is realizing how unrealistic and irrational these standards really are--and learning to deal with the doubt they cause. OCD is awesome.

The Magical Fix--That Never Comes

When planning this blog out in my mind I wanted to start with a sufficient overview of my history with OCD. Today, however, has been one of those days that I feel like my brain has been so overloaded with questions, thoughts and ideas that the thought of organizing 6 years of OCD history makes me dizzy. So, I'm going to write about something I believe to be one of my (and possibly many others) biggest issues with OCD. For the past several years I have found myself constantly searching for the "magical fix". Something that will just magically make things "ok". When I find this fix I believe I will be happy, and everything in my life will be the way it is supposed to be. I will go through bouts where I obsess over this fix, and spends days and days researching what I believe to be the answer at that given time. I had always assumed this constant searching was just a result of the "problems" I thought I had (that I was gay and in the wrong relationship) or the fact that I am incredibly self aware, perfectionistic, and hard on myself. However, once I started reading and learning about OCD I clearly made the connection between this magical fix and the very unmagical things going on inside my brain.

I can see that some days this fix will revolve around my relationship. I will think that if everything was the way it was supposed to be and I was in love and could stay that way, everything would be "ok". Therefore, clearly the relationship I am in is not the "fix" and isn't right for me. If it was, I wouldn't feel this way.  Other days it will revolve around another huge issue I have with my ROCD: my past relationship. I will be convinced that the only way I am ever going to be happy again is if I get back together with my ex. The one who I for so many years convinced myself was the only person in the world for me. And, in my mind built a force field around all the wonderful times we had together, while seemingly forgetting about all the horrible ones that made up a much much larger portion. These thoughts will make me miserable for days. Other days I will obsess over things simply related to myself. Last week the only thing I could think or research about was ADHD (this isn't completely irrational because I am being tested) and the fact that if I could just fix that about myself then all my problems with school would be fixed. Other days I will obsess over purpose in life. What really is the point? If I could become more faithful with more belief in God, I would have more purpose and everything would be ok. If I could just be in love the way I want to be I would be happy and my life  would have more purpose. The list goes on for days. It's like a constant battle with myself to find the fix. But, the scary thing is that it will never come. This fix is simply a figment of my OCD. It is my brain looking for some absolute definitive answer. But, if there was one wouldn't I have found it already? With all the wonderful things I have in my life wouldn't I have been able to find the happiness I am looking for, couldn't I just be content? I should be and would be if it wasn't for that little voice in the back of my head that rears its ugly OCD behaviors. I have learned that one fix will simply bring on another. The days that I feel like I am in love and happy in my relationship inevitably get thrown to the wayside by the thoughts brought on by my OCD and that fix is once again in question. The days I read about faith and religion get thrown off the tracks when I start  scaring myself with another OCD theme. The positive fact is that I have identified it. Working my way thought it, and finding a way to not always be in search of that definitive answer is the trickier part.

"It just doesn't feel right"

The phrase "It just doesn't feel right" probably resonates well with most Pure O sufferers. You find yourself drowning in a sea of unwanted, irrational, head pounding thoughts. These thoughts follow you everywhere you go- day in- day out. You may have 15 seconds where you have this wonderful feeling of euphoria with the realization that--"These thoughts are ridiculous! You aren't gay, you aren't a pedophile, you love your significant other". But, whatever reassuring thoughts enabled you to feel this brief moment of relaxation and relief are suddenly challenged--just 15 seconds later. Somewhere in your brain you find any experience or feeling you can to challenge your rationality and sabotage yourself back into the clutches of your OCD. This is accompanied by tightness in your chest and butterflies in your stomach. You again start battling with yourself. Anything you walk by on the street, any person you see, any tv show or song on the radio somehow relates to whatever theme you find yourself suffering from on that given day. ROCD causes you to not be able to watch chick flicks or listen to love songs. HOCD doesn't allow you to sit and watch "Ellen" on TV. Anytime you hear the word gay your chest automatically tightens. If it's a day with ROCD you find yourself examining whether every second spent with your significant others brings "the butterflies". You absolutely cannot figure out how in a matter of minutes you find yourself determining if you are gay or not gay 6 or 7 different times...or how the first week of the month you feel wonderful with your significant other. You have the butterflies everyone wants, you are relaxed, you can enjoy their company. Then a week later you are in tears and suffering from constant questioning because your brain will not allow to you even look at the other person without examining every emotion running through your body, and questioning every single thing about the relationship. But, you don't know what OCD is. You eventually get to the point that you want to come out of the closet and break off your relationship because the anxiety is too much. But even when you reach that point you STILL QUESTION. You still know that "something just doesn't feel right".

Two weeks ago I finally found out that the "It just doesn't feel right" statement could finally be justified. I went through years and years thinking there was something wrong with me. I thought I was just going to have to live with these thoughts forever. While I knew they weren't normal, I was too afraid to go to anyone. I feared if I went to a therapist they would simply tell me that I was gay, and everything would finally topple down in front of me, and I would have to live with that realization for the rest of my life. I thought this would explain why the feelings I had in my relationship were constantly changing--because I wasn't supposed to be with a guy anyways. Fortunately for me, my final breaking point occurred about three weeks ago. While visiting my boyfriend I found myself in my second worst episode I have had with my OCD.  I fell into a deep state of depression, with such great anxiety that I was making myself physically sick. It was one of the worst weeks of my life. Through the encouragement of my wonderful and supportive boyfriend I finally decided there really was something wrong, and I needed to see someone. I returned home and called my dad for help. This resulted in me seeing a therapist and being told I had symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Behavior and that I needed to be put on an SSRI to calm my mind and body down. This was the very beginning of what I know will be a long journey will OCD, and I hope to share more about my experiences with both HOCD and ROCD in the coming weeks. I would love input from others who have suffered through the same experiences, and I would love to provide feedback as well.